Now that Valentine’s Day has passed, we can finally get back to what February is really about-being absolutely miserable. And how better to do that than to talk about a horrible film? Xanadu is a 1980 musical romance starring Michael Beck and Olivia Newton John. Its bad. Its so bad that its often regarded as one of the worst movies of all time. Its so bad that its almost not worth writing a review for. But I can’t get to a movie theater right now, and I gotta take my rage out on this thing somehow.
Xanadu is the story of a painter named Sonny, played by Michael Beck, who falls in love with a muse, one of the Greek Goddess’s of music, named Kira, played by Olivia Newton John. Inspired by his love for this Goddess, he meets an older man named Danny MacGuire and together they open a club called Xanadu. At least, that’s what is supposed to have happened. I think. The story makes absolutely no sense, as if it were scripted in stream of consciousness, instead of someone actually planning out the intricate parts of the film. There is such an emotional disconnect between the story and the audience, being that since the script is just utterly non-descript things happening all over the screens, with only slight evidence of a three act structure being in place. The movie seems to know how awful its story is as well, as by the end, it gives up on telling one, just a confusing mess of dancing.
On the topic of dancing, this movie’s status as a musical should really be questioned. It feels more like a big Music video. No, scratch that, music videos take actual talent to edit and make interesting. This movie’s musical sequences are so awful that its actually difficult to describe. Shots are impersonal, making it be like the audience is just watching people dance as a song plays, making it so the song has no purpose in the overall story. And the dancing is just uninteresting, its basically just spinning and flailing around, which again, show the songs lack of necessity in the story. As for the music, well, you probably won’t like it. I for one…kinda liked it. Most of the soundtrack is done by the 70’s rock band, The Electric Light Orchestra, who is definitely a product of their time, using a lot of keyboard sounds in what are usually upbeat, happy songs. If you like older music, you’ll probably appreciate most of the soundtrack, so I’d recommend getting the album if you can. It’s probably better than sitting through this horrid film….
This film may have some of the most poorly written characters of all time, and it doesn’t help their case that the actors playing them are giving equally bad performances. Explaining the characters takes literal seconds to do- They are dry, undeveloped, and the love story between Beck’s Sonny and Newton John’s Kira shows absolutely no chemistry between the two. The actors however, oh, they really seal the deal on my hating of this film’s characterization. Beck and Newton John are acting like they have the experience of a child actor, all of their deliveries giving a sense of awkward inexperience. Nothing seems to come naturally to these two, and it seems that every line they have they’re just forcing out to get it over with. They’re performances are blander than a breakfast of plain bagels and tap water.
Though, I suppose if this film has to do something right, its having a good side character. And I very much mean A good side character, as all the other ones are extremely forgettable, and I’m not even sure that they had names. No, the one good side character, well, character in the entire film, is Gene Kelly’s role as the musician Danny Macguire. Kelly seems like the only person in this whole picture who seems to understand that a performance takes effort and not just getting in front of the camera without drowsily spewing out some poorly written dribble. Danny is an aging musician, who lost the artistic touch with music many years ago. This man’s story is lovingly tragic, full of emotion, and really makes you question the decision making of the film makers when he barely gets any character development after his second scene. Danny’s a very engaging character, but him being brushed to the side just seems like the film makers didn’t know how to give the film any kind of arc. The story of an aging musician trying to get back in touch with his art would have been a way better story than whatever this mess was.
This movie is nonsensical, gaudy, and has really no purpose in its existence. But is it one of the worst movies of all time? Not really. The worst movies of all time are movies that literally insult its own audience, like Batman and Robin or The Last Airbender. Xanadu doesn’t insult its audience, it just confuses them out of all sense. Still, I can’t in a right mind recommend this film, and if you like 70’s pop rock, again, just look up the music. For all others, pretend you never heard of Xanadu, just like I’m going to forget I ever saw it.
Final Rank: D-
+Gene Kelly’s performance and character are extremely engaging, the songs are decent enough if you’re into older rock
-the plot is nonsense, the acting is horrid, the characters are flat, and the choreography in the musical sequences should have even the worst dancers be embarrassed to watch this.
Xanadu is available on DVD and for instant streaming on Netflix
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