Well. That was disappointing. Oh, don’t get confused, I wasn’t expecting anything good when I walked into The Host-I was expecting something hilariously awful. I mean, that’s what I expected from every internet review of the Twilight films I’ve ever watched. I was going to come into this review and just tear the movie apart, laughing at every dumb aspect of the film, then cut the film crew some slack for having to try adapting an unsalvageable piece of fiction. I was going to make jokes about how The Host was just like another Twilight movie, heck, I even had a whole gag planned where I called the movie Twilight 6 with different subtitles (my personal favorite were Twilight 6: Tween Drama in Space and Twilight 6: Mo’ Sparkles, Mo’ Problems).
But no. This movie has assaulted me at the very root of my soul. This movie has left me infuriated in ways that I have never been towards a film since I saw M. Night Shyamalan’s murder of the Avatar: The Last Airbender film. I can attest that The Host is the absolute worst Science Fiction film I have ever had to find myself sitting through. And believe me-that’s saying quite a lot.
Alright, I’m going to quickly run through the basic issues of this film, because the next few pages are going to be a full rant-
– Acting– Nobody does that in this movie. This thing is trying to draw in the Twi-Hard crowd, do you really think anyone is going to try and give a good performance if people sat through Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s incompetence for 5 movies and said they liked it?
-Characters– Flat, boring, and unmemorable. Stephenie Meyer standards.
-Story– Plays out like a fanfiction, with sloppy plot points, an unexpanded universe, and ideas we’re just supposed to go with. Again, Stephenie Meyer standards.
-Technicals– The cinematography is actually pretty decent, with very well put together shots, which is something we can put the thanks to director Andrew Niccol who is seriously wasting his talents on this trite. I’d say the CG effects were okay, but literally nothing happens in this whole movie, and the use of them are so few and far between that I could care less about them.
So yeah, F-, waste of time, don’t see it, and pray this movie is the last of its kind.
Alright, so if that’s all you want out of this review, I suggest you leave now, because I’m about to get quite analytical about this trash. The Host is quite possibly one of the most broken films I’ve seen in a long time, and I really want to get into the nitty gritty of where and how this movie falls apart.
I suppose the best way to start this analysis is to discuss the themes that The Host should bring up. The Host takes place in a future where parasitic aliens have taken over earth and are controlling every human on Earth, and a girl named Melanie Stryder, a human trying to rebel against the aliens, is taken over by an alien named Wanderer, who has been hired to get information from Melanie’s consciousness to learn where the other rebels may be.
And before you can vomit your popcorn by realizing the writer of this thing actually thought calling characters Wanderer and Strider was clever, it turns out that Melanie’s will is able to overpower Wanderer, and takes her back to a small refuge for a group of humans who she worked with to survive. Wanderer learns all the greatness of humanity and such, and helps to stop the aliens from destroying their rebellion, and yadda yadda yadda, humans good, aliens bad, common place bad sci fi dribble. And let’s not forget, since it’s a Stephanie Meyer story, there’s a love triangle! Oh, but it’s more of a square, because Melanie loves someone, and Wanderer loves someone else, and the only thing causing conflict is the fact these two share a body.
Here’s the thing about a movie like The Host– With a premise about conflicting wills sharing a body, there are a lot of themes that should be handled. Two wills in a body, trying to decide which will is dominate. A society that has saved humanity by dominating their wills with their peaceful ways, asking the question if perhaps humanity should give in to those who have figured out living on Earth better than us, or if it’s even right to be peaceful if it means that humanity has to lose their nature. Here is a movie that has the opportunity to tackle themes dealing with the most complex and serious aspects of human society, to really mean something as a serious piece of science fiction. And after seeing this film, after thinking about this film, after analyzing every last frame of this pitiful excuse for a movie, I find myself hiding away in episodes of Star Trek and Cowboy Bebop, hoping to scrape whatever hope in the intelligence of the genre that I can find. Because for all the themes that this movie should bring up, for all the questions that it should be asking….IT DOESN’T. AT ALL. INSTEAD, YOU KNOW WHAT WE GET?! YOU KNOW WHAT WE GET?! WE GET THE LOVE SQUARE, AND MELANIE ARGUEING WITH WANDERER A LOT, AND, OH YEAH, NOTHING HAPPENING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Instead of a proper piece of intriguing, intelligent, or even a competent piece of science fiction, The Host decides to plague its script with cliché’s, flat characters, and again, one of the worst romance plots ever put to screen. This is about where my patience for this film ran out. I mean, this has everything there for the outline of a decent work of science fiction. You have a world with an intriguing back story that would be easy to explore that landscape and mythology of, humanity in a very unique situation, one rarely seen in film, and a possibility for the examination of society in a way few others have before. The way good science fiction should. However, the script is bloated with false drama, and never wants to take a risk and analyze anything that’s happening in the film. Every question that the film brings up isn’t given any further thought than the initial introduction of the theme’s existence, or is answered with the most irritating of simplistic ineptitude. For example-
Q: Is humanity in a better place now that its peaceful, despite the fact human nature has been subdued?
A: Of course not! Humans are awesome! We make no attempt to say otherwise accept one point toward the end, but even then we turn it right back towards saying we’re awesome!
Q: Is world peace the right thing to have if it means changing society at its very core?
A: Sorry, we can’t answer that because we’re too busy shoehorning in an ending that says the humans and aliens can live together in peace, even though nothing throughout the entirety of the film points towards that ever happening!
And you know, I wouldn’t care as much about how much this film fails on a thematic level if at least succeeded as a character piece. But it doesn’t even have the common courtesy to do that. Melanie and Wanderer (Note- I adamantly REFUSE to call her by nickname Wanda, as…just no) seemed to have had their personalities removed by some sort of surgery, with Melanie only retaining a bit of one being…spunky I guess, but nothing much beyond that. The other characters are just as boring, and keep no sense of interest in the audiences eyes, and actually…wow, I can’t even remember their names. And rightfully so, nothing really differentiates them from any other character. If it weren’t for the fact they’re played by other actors, I would probably never be able to tell there were differences in the characters of the two love interests, who mind you, are both extremely bland and without personality. It might not be a Twilight movie, but you can still play Twilight bingo with it.
I really wish I could call this the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but I can’t unsee The Last Airbender, so I can’t even have the pleasure of throwing that title at this. But congrats Host, you’ve moved Stephanie Meyer’s first adapted travesty, the first Twilight, out of the number 2 spot on my top 20 worst list. And sadly, I’ll never forget this movie. Its horridness has nested in my soul, and my hatred for it will fester as everyday passes by that I know its existence was thought to be a good idea. Abandon all hope ye that enter here. Save yourselves.
Final Grade: F-
-Everything
+Might finally kill the Supernatural Tween Romance (IT’S A BOX OFFICE BOMB TWIHARDS, DEAL WITH IT!!!)
As a short aside, Roger Ebert, quite possibly the most important film critic of all time, passed away last week. His work as a critic has been influential to me, and to countless other aspiring, amateur, and professional critics. The Host was one of the final films he was able to review before finally losing his long battle with cancer. I ask that please you read his review, which I will leave a link to, along with all the other reviews he’s written over the 40 some years he had been an active critic. You won’t agree with all of them of course, but all of his reviews are intriguing, well written, and are filled with the passion that he held for film. I would like to thank Mr. Ebert one last time for his contribution to the art of film criticism, and showing that being passionate about something as seemingly worthless as a movie can truly make a difference in the world, and that any film is worth thinking about.
Here is the link-http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-host-2013
Rest in peace Roger. Thank you all for reading.
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