As a critic, easy targets are land that should not be ventured into. Direct to video releases, low budget nonsense, and obvious cash grabs should be below a critic’s radar, because they’re not a challenge to review, just a challenge to watch. But some movies…..some movies are just asking for it. Which brings me to THIS yuletide “delight”- Christmas Story 2. Directed by Brian Levant, who is responsible for the Christmas classic (oh, how loosely I use this term) “Jingle All the Way”. And if the guy who had the FANTASTIC idea of putting Arnold Schwarzenegger in a movie that wasn’t an action film is directing this holly jolly disaster, I can’t think of a term for this film that doesn’t relate back to the idea of an easy target.
So this sequel to the holiday classic “A Christmas Story” is the tale of a now older Ralphie Parker, 16 to be exact, and is vying for a car for Christmas, like in the original with his obsession towards the Red Ryder BB Gun. After wrecking said car (killed that plot point quick, didn’t ya’ movie?), he has to work to pay for it. This small premise is padded by worthless sub-plots, like his dad looking for a furnace and fishing, fantasies in the vein of the original, except there is absolutely no creativity or humor in these ones, and something about Ralphie having a love interest, but guess what, they pay attention to that for like 10 minutes and the payoff is one of the weakest elements of the film.
And the insides of this story are just as rotten as its body. The Characters are like cartoon versions of the ones in the original film, all their humanity stripped away in favor of focusing on one personality key of the characters. I suppose that there’s a character arc that’s at least attempted with Ralphie, but it doesn’t appear till the end, and it’s so forced it has no real meaning. The script is awful; I’ve seen funnier jokes from the morons who made Epic Movie. All of them are either failures at slapstick humor, or repeats of jokes from the first movie that fall flat from the simple fact that they remind you could be watching the better and funnier original film instead of this.
Nobody in this movie shows even the slight capability of acting. Every delivery is awkward, hammy, overacted, poorly read, and just shows no understanding of acting method. Though who can blame the actors for not getting in character when there are no real characters in this movie in the first place! The sets look awful as well. Whereas the original actually made sets that thrusts the viewer on to the setting of the film, making them feel as though they were in this time period, this feels like it just used some cheap imitations of the original sets and never tried to build the atmosphere of the era. The score is generic and bland, and has the musical prowess of a collection of ringtones. Even the picture of the film looks awful. The lighting looks so artificial; it makes it look like a Hallmark card rather than a movie. And seriously Levant, a conversation is not very engaging when you shoot it in nothing but a wide shot!
There really isn’t anything else to say about this travesty. Yes, it’s awful, yes, it’s unbearable, but it’s forgettable. A quick nap and a few Star Trek episodes was all it took for me to block this mess out of my memory. It really can’t even be enjoyed in an ironic way, because even though the writing and acting is bad, the fact that it’s a bad comedy keeps it from being laughable. It’s totally irredeemable, and a waste of an hour and a half. Go watch the original, and save yourself the misery of this wretch.
Final Rank: F-
+Makes the original look SOOOO much better in comparison, has the mercy of not going over two hours
-unfunny, forgettable, terribly directed, horrible script, nobody can give a good performance, in short, this is TRAVESTY INCARNATE.
Christmas Story 2 is available on DVD and BluRay. Find it cheap in my garbage can.
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